I know, I love you Merder
by merderpoohtato
Summary: The set was taken from GA 4X11. Derek breaks up with Meredith. How will they handle it and more importantly will they find their way back to each other. This is a pure MERDER fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Helloooooooooooo. This is another MERDER story. The story doesn't really follow the original GA episodes but this is set when Derek breakup with Meredith.**

 **Disclaimer: Obviously, I do not own Grey's Anatomy or any of it's Characters they solely belong to the genius Shonda Rhimes.**

"I slept with her. I'm sorry. Meredith, I don't want to do this anymore."

"You can't trust anyone. You're not letting anyone in. You – you can't let me in. You will always find a reason to walk away. I can't keep watching you walk away, Meredith, I can't wait forever for you. I - I can't do this anymore." Derek admitted as he looks with sincerity in his eyes.

She just stared at him. The love of her life, disappearing again. When finally, she believes she have someone who will never leave her, but apparently that someone is currently cutting that belief. Maybe everyone was right. She was no good for anyone.

" _Always be good to you Mom okay? Bye, Meredith." His last words before she saw him walking out of their door. Not knowing her own father left her._

" _What the hell happened to you?! I raised you to be an extraordinary human being! So, imagine my disappointment when I wake up after 5 years and discover that you're no more than ordinary!"_

 _*slap* from her own father. 'I shouldn't have trusted you! she shouldn't have trusted you! You killed her! You killed my wife and you take her away from me!_

" _Get out of here! You're not wanted here! I don't want you anywhere near me or my family!"_

 _And now …_

Meredith bitterly smiled with disbelief tears escaping from her eyes. _'I'm no good for anyone. Why did I ever think I can be anything but ordinary'_

After everything, that happened between them. He is choosing to leave her again. Apparently, loving him isn't enough for him. He chooses to give up, but she can't really blame him. She has many issues that is not easy to overcome, but seemingly it's too much for him.

She let out a sigh, but still smiling at him as tears starts to escape from her eyes.

"I'm sorry … for everything" She smiled at him before walking out. He never saw that smile until now. The smile that indicates the world just swallowed her into a very dark and alone world. Her body is like covered of sadness and hurt, it's like happiness is no longer a word for her.

His heart pinched at her state.


	2. Chapter 2

Few weeks have passed after Derek left Meredith again. Rumor really keeps up with its pace. Unsurprisingly, everyone at the hospital seems to be always updated at Meredith's life.

"As her friends and roommates, we need to do something you know?" Izzie relayed her concern to their group of friends who are currently eating lunch in the cafeteria.

For the past few weeks, Meredith's like a robot with her routine. Hospital – House, House – Hospital. She keeps on turning down her friends offer to treat her at joes or somewhere and basically, she's like she was programmed to shake her head as an answer.

"I don't think anyone can help her. Let her figure it out by herself" Alex retorted as he chewed his sandwich, seems like he doesn't really care. Izzie rolled her eyes. Obviously not the best person for helpful answers.

"Seriously, she's exhausting herself in working! I barely see her eat or sleep. She's like a dead person the only difference is she's walking!" Izzie raised concern.

"Like a robot! Programmed to nod or shake her head. I can't even look at her. She's like a human with no soul, a complete blank emotionless human I didn't know was possible" George sighed.

"Christina, maybe you can talk to her. She listens to you!" Izzie retorted.

"Oh! Brilliant idea barbie! Why didn't I thought to try and talk to my best friend!" Cristina said sarcastically and rolled her eyes but inside her head she's worried for her person which might literally turned into a zombie or a robot.

 _*Pagers beeps*_

The interns were interrupted by their pagers as they made their run towards their duties.

After a 36-hour exhausting shift the interns gathered in the locker room greedy to get out of the hospital. Alex, George, Izzie and Christina were exchanging looks as Meredith entered the locker room. The 3 immediately got their bags and ran from the locker room leaving Alex.

Meredith continue to fix her things not really paying attention to their act. They'll just probably convince her again to go out since its their off tomorrow. She opened her locker only to find out her things are missing. Bag with her car keys, house keys, wallet and her phone.

She turned around to look at Alex who was leaning against the wall. She raised her eyebrow at him not saying anything, knowing already why the other 3 hurriedly jogged out of the room.

"We have no choice, Mer. We can't let you turn into a zombie or robot. We're your concerned friends, give us a chance. Just this time, let us." Alex practiced speech, and if it didn't work their plan B was for Alex to drag Meredith leaving her with no choice.

Meredith signed to surrender.

She can't do anything, her things snatched by her friends. Luckily, they weren't stupid enough to snatch her clothes. She quickly changed into a black fitted ¾ shirt and skinny jeans.

"You all are stupid you know?" She muttered as soon as she and Alex made to their table in the bar where the 3 are sitting.

"Better than watching you become a robot or a zombie" Christina rolled her eyes.

"Mer, com'on. It's been weeks, we just let you be you. Now let us be with you. You know you have us right?" Izzi squealed.

She knows her friends doesn't deserve her zombiness or robotness as they call it. She didn't want to go at Joe's because she knows Derek and her scrub nurse will be here. But for the past weeks she was very good at hiding pain. She knows her friends only care for her.

So, she thought she can make it up to them by letting them take care of her tonight. _Just for the night._ Ignoring him and the nurse will be super easy. _At least she thought._

"So, forget everything just for tonight! Your things are safe with us! Drinks on me! You need this" Izzie added.

' _Forget everything, forget everyone right. Just this night. Or maybe forever, forget everything and everyone for the better'_


	3. Chapter 3

Meredith sat at one of the stools and asked Joe for a shot of tequila. She felt someone's familiar eyes on her, and she didn't need to look around to know who he was. She did what she does best, ignoring - or is it hiding.

She still feels the Derek's eyes on her, but never turn around. She only had 4 straight shots but she can already feel the heat of the alcohol in her body.

"Scotch, please. Thanks" A man asked Joe before turning to face her. "Seat taken?" She shakes her head.

"Ooh, you are going to be sorry in the morning" He chuckled as she takes another shot of tequila.

She smiled lazily and rested her head against her palm closing her eyes. Hopefully, the man will just disappear.

"Ooh, ouch!" The man groaned, pretending to be hurt as he holds his chest with his hands then laughed.

"I should credit you for that tho, that's the best ' _go-away'_ gesture I ever seen." Somehow, she laughed a little with him.

"Now you're smiling! That's a success. You should do that more often it suits you. Next the talking part!" he winked at her, and the statement made her chuckle.

Derek, on the other hand, caught her ex-girlfriend on the corner. He smiled a little to see her there. However, he can't still read her but there was nothing in her.

He chuckled when he saw her smile, remembering how he loved her giggle and loud laughs. How he delivered lame jokes just to here her giggle and laugh that flutters his stomach again and again.

The smile on his face disappear when he realized that a man was flirting with her, and she keeps him around. It's probably another one-night stand, he smirked.

 _She will never be ready to settle down, it's just another one-night stand._ He thought, convincing himself that he made the right decision.

The sting became bigger when he saw her shaking hands with the man, assuming exchanging names. He shouldn't be jealous, he's with rose, he was the one who left her.

 _What have I done?_ He thought.

"Hey, you okay?" He was startled as he felt Rose's hand caress his knuckles, involuntarily Derek pulled away his hands.

"Ugh, yeah" he gave her light smile.

He's with Rose, he slept with her but at those time he's thinking of Meredith.

"I'll just grab a drink" He slowly approached them. Her back facing him, even if she knows Derek's is on her back, she never paid attention.

"It's really nice meeting you, but I need to go home." He overheard Meredith bidding good bye to the man with a disappointed face. He smirked as he can tell, the guy really wants in her pants.

"I – I can drive you. Driving isn't really recommended at your state you know" The guy laughed hoping he can have the chance to drive the gorgeous young lady home.

"I can manage. Thanks" without turning around Meredith left the bar.


	4. Chapter 4

Several days have passed, Meredith is getting better at least that's what her friends thought, she starts talking to her friends, hanging out with them on their short breaks. It's a big step for Meredith but her friends are glad that they can help her.

"Yang, cardio. Stevens, code team. Karev, peds. O'malley, Dr. Torres requested you. Grey, Dr. Shepherd. NOW!" The interns looked at Meredith with concern before sprinting to their assignments before Dr. Bailey can even say a word.

Meredith jogged toward the neuro floor looking her attending.

"Hi, Dr. Shepherd, I will be your intern for today." Meredith casually greeted him as soon as she spotted him. He looked at her slightly surprised.

Staring at her beautiful green marble eyes that always complimented her beauty. Other than, dark circles under her eyes due to lack of sleep, she looks glooming at least that what we thought.

"Where do you need me for, Dr. Shepherd" Meredith waking Derek from his own world. She looked and sounded like they never knew each other.

"Uhm. Uh- Prep the patient at room 415. You have until 6pm today to get ready."

Meredith nods and turns around to go the patient room. He noticed something in her, she was trying her best to be professional but there is something in her eyes, sadness? Fear? He can't figure out what but there is definitely something.

"Meredith" Meredith turned around and raise her eyebrow at him.

"Yes, Dr. Shepherd?" Keeping her professionalism towards her attending.

"Uh, uhm nothing?" Derek still gazed at her.

She just smiled and nod before turning around to proceed to the patient's room.

As Derek entered the OR he spotted Rose along with the other scrub nurses to assist on the surgery. She offered him a warm smile for good luck and he just nods while positioning himself on the head of the patient.

"Okay remember Dr. Grey equal forces, you ready?" Derek looked at Meredith as she makes her way closer to him. She let out a big sigh before nodding, she holds on one of the injections.

"Okay, go" Derek signaled. The gallery is full house to watch the rare surgery. Interns, residents some of the attendings and the chief gathered around to watch the rare surgery.

Derek gazed at Meredith while she looks at the monitor for the progress, they are injecting the virus to the patient's brain. She tensed as the monitor indicates they are not equally exerting the same force.

"Slow, slow down Dr. Grey" He called her attention.

"Meredith, Mer look at me. Don't look at the monitor. Look at me" He called her again with her first name.

"Look at me, trust me" He muttered as she shifted her look and gazed at his eyes.

"Just trust me" They are deeply looking at each other's eyes as the monitor indicated they are equally exerting the needed force.

"There you go" He encouraged as they are still gazing at each other.

Rose staring at the two of them makes her heart pinch, she knows that what Derek did wasn't just about the surgery. There was something in their gaze that occurs only to the both of them. Anyone can tell just by looking at them gaze, that they have something special connection with their gaze.

She knows the legend between the two of them, but what happened will not stop her convincing herself, that Derek can move on from Meredith and she will help him with it.

"Good work today, Dr. Grey" Derek complimented her with a smile after scrubbing out from another successful surgery.

"Thank you. You too as always, Dr. Shepherd" She returned the smile.

"It's really nice working with you again, Meredith. I'm looking forward to work with you again" He sincerely smiled as he offers his hand for a shake. She held his hand and shake hands. Derek not wanting to let go but Meredith pulled away her hands immediately and hiding it inside of her lab coats pocket.

"Yeah, but this will be the last time I will be working with you, Dr. Shepherd."

"Why? I – I mean, I can – "He was cut off my Meredith before he can continue what he was saying.

"I'll just be around here until I pass my exam. I'll be transferring. I just finished my OR hours with this surgery. So thank you, I guess this is good bye" Tears forming in her eyes that she was fighting so hard to hide and not to fall as she explain and bid her good bye.

 _Good bye._


	5. Chapter 5

Derek looked at her in disbelief. He can't mutter a word, he can't process what she just said to him. Her leaving to who knows where, can't processed by his brain. He knows they broken up, he knows he left her. But the thought of her leaving, and with the possibility of not seeing her again crushed him.

Before he can mutter a word. Rose spoke up behind him. "Hey, uhm. Congrats for the successful surgery"

He turned around his head to take a quick glance at the person talking behind him not really hearing what she was saying as he was still processing what Meredith told him.

He turned his head back quickly at Meredith but she was gone.

He processed everything that Meredith said to him. _Until exam day_ – The interns' final exam will be in three days. He only has three days with her, before she disappears permanently in his life. He's feeling a mix feeling, sadness, anger towards himself for what he has done, fear that he could lose her forever.

"Dr. Bailey, where's Meredith?" Derek said panting as soon as he saw Meredith's attending.

"Do I look like her baby sitter Dr. Shepherd?" Dr. Bailey said without looking at him and seriously filling out patients' charts.

"Dr. Bailey, please. I need to talk to her. I can't. I can't let her leave!" Derek pleaded.

Dr. Bailey annoyingly sighed with poker face before bringing down the chart she was filling out before facing him.

"The poor girl's fine when you met her. She built defenses to protect herself from invaders like you but you manage to bring it down. She depended on you and trusted you again and again to protect her but now you broke her, after everything, you just chose to left her in shatter pieces and chose – not to mention, again to be with someone else. Now she has nothing but broken pieces. The poor girl's trying her best to mend what you broke yet you want to broke it again!" Derek felt his heart beating crazy at the words of the resident.

He never saw this side of the Nazi. She was always professional at work and her personal feelings and opinions are always in the box. But today, he saw the other side of the Nazi caring dearly for her interns.

He realized all she said was nothing but the truth. He now knows how stupid he is for what he has done to Meredith. Even with her mother and father leaving her all alone, she trusted him disregarding all her issues. She trusted her even after his ex-wife showed up. She trusted him when he chose him instead of Fin. She trusted him even after they broke up.

She trusted him over and over again after everything that happened yet he managed to show up in her face saying he flirted with another girl, kissed another girl and accusing her she can't trust him.

"I watched you and that girl for how long now and it's a shame really that you being expert on brains, doesn't have one! You're the world-renowned neurosurgeon maybe you can fix your own brain!"

"Let the girl mend, stop breaking her." Dr. Bailey said with a poker face before leaving the nurses station. Leaving the world best brainless-neurosurgeon in realization.


	6. Chapter 6

Guilt and anger slowly consumed his body. Guilt that after everything, after every issue she has that she is slowly addressing just to have a real relationship with him he managed to tell to her face he is leaving her and very impatient to wait.

Angry to himself for being so stupid just because she wasn't YET ready for what he wants. Angry to himself for being impatient and not understanding her situation and everything happened to her. Angry to himself because he may lose the love of his life just because he was stupid, so stupid.

He can't let her go. He can't lose the love of his life without trying to fight. Asking her for forgiveness for being world-renowned stupid person is the least he can do.

He sprints towards the Chiefs office when he found Meredith's friends gather around near the Chief's office.

He ignored them and proceeded to open the door to the office but before he can reach the handle, Izzie and Christina blocked the door with their bodies and hands. George and Alex stood in front of them for back up.

The 4 interns didn't say anything, they didn't look at him. Derek frown knowing he alone can't take the four interns even if he's their boss's boss. Before he can say anything his pager beeps. _ER – 911_

He frowns and sighed in surrender, but muttered something to the 4.

"I'll be back. I can't lose her" he muttered before running down to address the concern in the ER.

Scrubbing out from an emergency surgery he picked up his cell to dial Meredith's number. _You've reached, Meredith Grey. Can't answer at the moment, you can leave a message after the beep then I'll get back to you as soon as I can._

He hangs up, not waiting for the beep and keep his cellphone back to his pocket with frustration.

He was startled by a familiar voice behind him causing him to turn around.

"Uhm hi, I was just heading home, maybe you can drive me?" Even if Rose noticed the frown from his face, she disregarded it. Rumors really are fast travelers, she heard one of the nurses talking about Meredith transferring to another hospital after the exams. Which she pathetically thought is a good thing for them to work out her and Derek's relationship.

"Rose, I – I – I can't make another mistake. I keep letting her down, and I – I can't, I can't lose her again. I love her and I am deeply in love with her that only God knows how much. I know I am an ass. I'm sorry I drag you into this. I'm really sorry." Without muttering another word, he turned around and walked away with tears forming in his eyes threatening to run down.


	7. Chapter 7

Derek stayed in the hospital after 2 emergency surgeries, waiting for the intern rounds at 5 in the morning. He knows the interns are given a light schedule in preparation for their final exam. Their OR hours are reduced to give them time to prepare for the exam.

Pacing back and forth near the door of the intern's locker room waiting for rounds.

He saw Dr. Bailey entered the locker room calling her interns to start their rounds. As they go out of the room, Derek frowned when he didn't saw the only person he's dying to see. The intern exams is still in two days.

The group walked passing by Derek, before they disappear, he managed to grab Izzie's arm.

"Hey, where's Meredith?" He asked, knowing Izzie, he has very high hopes that she will have the compassion to tell him where's Meredith.

"I don't really know where she is right now. Dr. Shepherd, I'm sorry but I need to do my rounds" Izzie is easy to read, you'll know easily when she is lying or hiding something. Derek sighed in frustration and let her go knowing she's telling the truth.

He sprinted to the Chief's office hoping he can get the answers he was looking for.

He barged in as soon as he arrived at the office, knowing the Chief is in and basically leaving in his office for the reason that he is not in good terms with his wife.

"Richard, where's Meredith? She's not with the other interns for the rounds. The intern exam is still in two days. I – I need to talk to her, please. Where is she?!" Derek pacing while he bombarded the Chief with questions as soon as he entered the office.

"Dr. Shepherd, calm down!" The chief stands and leans against his desk while glaring at Derek waiting for him to calm down.

"Please, Richard. Please" He stopped pacing, breath heavily and looked at the chief with sincerity and tears forming in his eyes.

"She finished all her needed shift and hours in this hospital that's why she's no longer doing rounds. She made it in a program for her residency so she transferred in one of the best hospitals there is."

"Transferred?! It's in past tense! Which is not possible as she still didn't pass her exams yet which is in two days!" Derek said with frustration.

"We made adjustments so she can take the exam on the same day of examination of the hospital she transferred in. The hospital was very impressed with the result of her exam, that's why they immediately agreed to take her in their program"

Derek stared at the Chief with a lot going through his mind, processing what he just said. His love of his life is gone, because of him. He lost her. The only woman he loves more than he can possibly think is gone, because of him.

He didn't think it is possible to love someone like that, he also didn't think it is possible to be this broken.

"Transferring to that hospital is a good opportunity for her to take her career to the next level. It's a big opportunity for her, to learn from the bests there is and she proved that she deserves that opportunity when she took her exam. As her chief, I'll see to it that my people get what they deserve.

Personally, I have to keep my promise to Ellis Grey that I will take care of her daughter. Hell! A lot happened to that girl that no one deserves. She's been through and she's been going through a lot of hell in her life that anyone could not possibly imagine, not to mention it started at a very young age. She's not supposed to be standing, but she is.

She had her hopes up when she felt something, she didn't even think was possible for her to feel. She fell in love. After everything that happened, she still chose you at the end. Knowing she's breaking the rules of this hospital when she's with you, knowing you had a wife, knowing she has a choice between two men, scrub nurses, flirting, dates. Even after constantly leaving her, she still chose to trust in love. But still love failed her again. Every bit of that shattered her into pieces every time and now she's completely broken.

She's not ready for anything in her life and I don't think anyone in her place will be ready. But she's trying, she's trying maybe not a big deal to anyone but for her it's a very big step and yet she's trying because she trusts in love, love she didn't know will break her.

Let her heal, Derek. She needs to heal and mend herself. Let her be."

Every word that came out from the Chief was like stabbing a knife right into his chest multiple times as he speaks. He admits he hurt her, she doesn't deserve that, he feels so stupid for letting everything happened to them. All he wants is her, letting her know that he was looking forward to his life with her in the picture, not realizing the effect of it as she was just trying to make herself ready and prepare for anything in life, and now because of him she's shattered into pieces. Because of him she needs to go through it over and over again that hates himself even more.


	8. Chapter 8

Derek spend the rest of his day at Joe's. He needed a drink, the hardest drink there is to forget everything for the moment. She left him and that left him furious but not at her. He's furious at himself for breaking the woman he loves more than anything.

"Double scotch, single malt" Mark asked Joe as he sat beside Derek as soon as he entered the bar.

Derek gestured Joe for a refill but Mark interrupted.

"Shep, you have a surgery tomorrow. I hate to be a pussy but the patient needs you to save him, sober"

"Shut it, Mark."

"Sorry, doc. You have a patient I don't think I can give you more. You had a lot" Joe, shoots concern to the Doctor in front of him.

"I'm calling in sick! Let me have a drink!"

"Come on man, don't be a pushover. She left, and whether you know it or not. She left because of you! Now get your shit together"

Derek looked at Mark and smirked.

"So pissed, you didn't get to sleep with her? I know from the minute you met her and the 'talking' you had when I demanded space from her, you wanted in her pants." Derek smirked.

Mark didn't say any word instead he throws a punch in Derek's face. Derek was drunk from all the drinking and a punch from his best friend made his world spin. Mark drag Derek out of the bar not wanting to catch everyone attention.

"Hate to admit, you deserve that one man. For, Meredith" Mark smirked at Derek who is sitting down the floor who also smirks and signed in defeat. Knowing for himself he kind of deserve that wake-up call.

"I love her, Mark. She's my everything, she's my love, she's my life. I had her, how stupid I am to lose that." Tears running down from Derek's eyes.

Mark sat on the floor beside his best friend before talking.

"Probably the most stupid and idiot brainless surgeon, I ever met." Mark said while laughing at his friend, who's crying but also laughing with him agreeing.

"But anyone who have seen you both can attest that what you have for each other is disgustingly love that is out of this world. But you didn't know or realized it until she was gone.

I've been hearing this a lot from the nurses, I know it's pussy but I believe it can be very helpful at the moment.

If you and Meredith are meant to be, the both of you will always find a way back to each other." Mark said as he patted his best friend's shoulder offering him some support.

Derek hates that they are like girls right now but still he wants to believe that for the moment. They are meant for each other, and will always find a way back to each other.

Derek looked at his best friend smiling.

"What did you do to Mark Sloan! Bring him back whoever you are" Derek joked, that made them laugh before the two stand up and walk away.


	9. Chapter 9

_**AN: Thank you for reading, try to review. Try listening to All I need by Mat Kearney it suits the chapter.**_

 _Setting: New York General Hospital, New York City. 6 months after Meredith left Seattle._

6 months have passed after Meredith left Seattle. She lives in an apartment near the hospital she is working. She easily adjusted with everything in New York. She specializes in neurology under Dr. Bennet, one of the best neurosurgeon in the East Coast.

For the past 6 months, she is slowly coping up with everything that happened to her. She's focusing herself on her career, which she believes helps her to move on from everything.

Only Chief Webber and Christina knows where she is currently working. She still communicates with her friends through Christina from time to time. Her friends don't know where she is working currently except for Christina which they totally understand.

Christina and her are constantly updating each other about life and career. Christina is very careful whenever she talks to Meredith making sure to avoid any topic that will lead to Derek.

"Dr. Walking stick! Junks again?" Meredith startled at the man coming from her back. She was eating her lunch which is fries and burger at the cafeteria alone until her fellow resident pop out.

"Nathan! How many times do I have to tell you to stop calling me that?" Meredith rolled her eyes.

Nathan Riggs, is her first friend she met on her first day at New York General. She tagged along with Nathan on her first day making sure she familiarizes the program of the hospital which doesn't have a big difference from the program at Seattle Grace.

"Not, until you accept a dinner with me to eat a _real_ food." Nathan smirked as he starts eating his 'real food' for lunch.

"Seriously, you're still asking me to go have dinner with you?" She retorted.

"Seriously walking stick, you're still not saying yes? Come on, Meredith, please?"

"Okay, fine. I'll have dinner with you if you stop call me that."

"YES! Consider it done! After 3 weeks, finally!" He cheerfully exclaimed like a kid excited to eat ice cream.

Meredith chuckle while shaking her head.

"Dinner was great, thank you" She gratefully smiled at Nathan as they arrive the front door of her apartment.

"You deserve the best." He offered her a warm and earnest smile before reaching for the strangles of hair in her face and tucking it behind her ear.

There was a moment of silence before Nathan slowly leaned in, he felt her body stiff, her smile slowly fades replacing it with fear which can be seen in her eyes. He sighed before planting a soft and long kiss on her forehead while wrapping her hands around her arms.

"It's okay. It will be okay" He muttered as his lips were still on her forehead.

He pulled back lightly to face her. He cupped her face, brushing her pale cheeks with his thumb and gave her the warmest smile.

"It's getting cold. You should go inside, unless you want to have a zombie skin" He chuckled to lighten up the mood.

She slightly giggled while shaking her head.

"That's the smile I was looking for. You should wear it more often, it suits you" He winked at her before opening her front door and motioning her to go inside.

"Uh, Uhm – thank you again for tonight"

"My pleasure" He muttered and wave his hand before turning around towards his car.

As soon as she entered her bedroom, she tossed her keys at her night stand. She stretches for a bit before pulling out her drawer for clothes. She picked up an oversize shirt and an underwear. She was just closing the drawer when she saw her old cellphone.

She opened the phone and saw the voice mail she received a week after she left Seattle. She decided to listen to the voice mail she received a week after she left Seattle. She never listened to it knowing it was from Derek for the reason that she cannot handle any more pain.

But today, she is determined to listen to it. She can't completely move on if something is holding her back. She unlocked her phone and open the voice mail.

' _I'm sorry. I know I fucked up big time and I'm sorry. I – I can't let you go, I just can't, I'm sorry I broke you. I didn't mean to and I'm sorry. I will never forgive myself for hurting you. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry for everything. I miss you so much and it pains me. It pains me to death, but I know I deserve this. I wish you all the happiness you deserve, even if that happiness no longer includes me._

 _I love you, Meredith. I will always love you._

 _Bye.'_

All memories of everything happened in her life flashback. She bit her lips to stop the tears from running down from her eyes, to stop the pain she's feeling from her heart, but she can't. The pain in her heart is stronger than anything and she can't stop it. She let everything out in her cry.

' _Sometimes things need to be let go of. If it's meant to be it will be'_


	10. Chapter 10

_**Setting: Seattle Grace Hospital. Seattle. 3 years after Meredith left Seattle.**_

"Mom, I'm fine okay? I'll try to be there for thanksgiving. I promise. I need to go now. Bye, love you!" Derek growl after ending the call.

"She hasn't seen you for years man. It's Mom" Mark exclaimed the obvious.

"That's her 4th call for the week. I understand and I love her, but I'm not 16!" Derek sighed.

"You sound like one, now. That's for sure" Mark shrugged.

"Ass" Derek muttered.

Before Mark can say anything, they were interrupted by the Chief.

"Dr. Sloan, Dr. Shepherd" The chief greeted.

The two doctors nod in greeting.

"Dr. Shepherd, I need to talk to you about something. Are you free?" The Chief asked.

"Yeah" Derek nod before he followed the chief towards his office.

"The chief from New York General Hospital called, they are asking if they can get you for a consult. They sent this lab results for you to look at" The chief hand over an envelope containing the lab result of a patient.

"Mesial orbital frontal-lobe tumor" Derek muttered while looking at scanning the scans.

"VIP Patient of New York Gen, 26, 30 weeks pregnant consulted for sleep problems, she's kicking who she feels she wants to kick and grabbing butts, the husband thought it was just because of the pregnancy hormones but when they did a CT, they found the fontal-lobe tumor Dr. Bennet said it's inoperable"

"No, it's not." Derek claimed.

"His resident thought so too. He's a family of the chief at New York Gen, Dr. Bennet said it's possible to operate after recalculating but he never done it before that's why they asked you for a consult. They want you there tomorrow."

"Okay, I need to check the patient for myself first to confirm besides it's a VIP so I need to be 100% sure. You can tell them Chief, I'll be at New York Gen tomorrow"

Derek was just about to turn around and leave the office.

"Derek, there's another thing" Derek looked at the Chief waiting for the 'another thing'.

"Uhm, the Chief said Dr. Bennet and his 3nd year resident will assist you" Derek shoot a confuse look at the Chief.

"3rd year resident? Can't they get a senior resident? Chief, this surgery is beyond delicate and I'm going to need people who is knowledgeable and experienced about the procedure and I don't think a 3rd year resident is qualified.

"I know, but Dr. Bennet's resident is the one who told the Chief about consulting you. She told her Chief that she has seen and assisted you doing this procedure a few times. They also said she's the best resident for this case. Which leaves her the upper hand, among other residents."

Derek is surprised but furrowed his eyebrows in confusion. He didn't work at New York Gen before but he knows Dr. Bennet, he's a colleague of Derek and done few surgeries before with him. A 3rd year resident is at question in his mind.

"The resident has seen and assisted me? And who could that be?" Derek doesn't really have an idea on this resident they are talking about.

The Chief paused at first with hesitation to tell Derek who's the resident.

"Uhm. Dr. Meredith Grey"

 _Meredith. His love Meredith? She's at New York all along. Derek and Meredith worked together in a similar case few times before. That's why she knows the tumor may not be inoperable. There's no doubt she's the perfect resident to assist. But this is Meredith, his Meredith, the one who left him because of him._

 _Made sense, she is interested in specializing Neuro, and to learn and work under Dr. Bennet is really a big opportunity. Why he hasn't suspected she's in New York all along? Does she kn -_

"Derek? Derek?" He was pulled out from his own little world when he heard the Chief calling him.

"Uhm, yeah I – I'll be there tomorrow, Chief" Derek muttered before leaving the chiefs office. He walked towards his office, he's mind is racing of thoughts.

He opened his office; his mind is preoccupied. He didn't even noticed Mark comfortably resting on his couch with his feet rested against the table across it.

"Hey, Derek. What happened, did you knock out someone?" Mark chuckled to try lightening up the mood. He studied his best friend and all he can see was his face painted in confusion and sadness, with fear, longing and excitement. He has seen him in this state before. There's only one person who can make him like what he looks like right now – _Meredith._

-  
Meredith release a big sigh when she finished her 48-hour shift. She is walking like a zombie at the hallway, exhaustion consumes her body. She stopped moving when she saw a familiar figure then smiled weakly at him.

"Hey, you know you're the most beautiful - zombie I've ever seen." Nathan chuckled while he makes his way towards her glaring girlfriend. He welcomes her into his arms, she didn't have the energy to hug him back but she rested her head at the crook of his neck.

He kissed her head before slightly pulling away to face her. "And certainly, smell like a zombie too – _ouch"_ He earned a pinch from Meredith as he overacted his pain.

"I talked to Chief Webber earlier, he said Derek will be arriving tomorrow to be a guest resident for the VIP case." Meredith weakly shared to Nathan.

She continued talking before Nathan can reply.

"Yes, he knows that Dr. Bennet and I will assist on the surgery"

Before he muttered anything, he slightly laughed when the silence was replaced by a growl of stomach.

"Hmm. Okay, First, let's feed that stomach of yours before you eat my brain – _ouch"_ Nathan earned another hit in his chest.

"Okay, okay sorry. You and your tiny ineffectual fists" He chuckled before kissing the back of her hand. They walked towards the resident's lounge to get her ready to go home.

They quickly had breakfast at one of the nearest cafés from her home. Meredith quickly proceeded to the bathroom in her bedroom as soon as he unlocks the front door. They did their usual routine when one of them is at night shift. Meredith, getting herself ready for bed while Nathan busied himself by cleaning a bit, fixing her things, and preparing a food.

He made his way in her bedroom and propped himself on the bed as he heard her unlock the bathroom door and quickly let herself in the covers. His arm voluntarily wrapped around her arms as he let her snuggle into him.

"I have a night shift, I'll go in around 8pm later. I'll wait for you at the hospital tomorrow" He felt her nod.

"I'll not be able to see you until then, do you want to talk about what will be your arrangements tomorrow?" He asked as he slightly rubbed his fingers up and down of her arms.

"He will just be here and be a guest attending for the case, a VIP case which means he'll stay here until the patient is cleared to leave the hospital. The chief insisted I assist, because I am the only resident to have a real experience about the case. That's the only reason he'll be here tomorrow.

We - we had a thing in the past and it's been 3 years he probably moved on already with his life. So, we will coexist professionally at the hospital" He noticed she was irritated in her tone, that makes him nod and decided to let it go.

 _She's just tired –_ he thought.

He tightened his embrace around her and kissed her head to let her drift into deep sleep.

"I love you" He muttered but not really expecting a reply since he heard her breathing became shallow and even.

Meredith woke up that day around afternoon, she smelled the aroma of food from the kitchen. She walked towards the kitchen, she smiled when she saw Nathan cooking, he's so focused that he didn't noticed her enter the kitchen.

She slowly made her way to him. She wrapped her arms around him and rested her chin on his shoulders. He was slightly shocked at her gesture, but smiled when he knows it was her.

"Hey, mister" She greeted.

"Sneaky again huh?" He chuckled lightly then turn around to face her, wrapping his strong arms around her tiny waist and rested his chin on her head while she rests hers on his chest to hear his heart beating.

She always liked the feeling of being on his embrace, she felt warm, secured and loved by him. She always liked it, but there's always something that she felt missing, she thought at first it was just because she's still moving on from what happened from her previous love life. But even after 3 years have passed, there is still the missing piece she's feeling.

She felt incomplete. She feels a part of her is missing and that made her felt bad for Nathan. She wanted Nathan to be happy, she wants to give everything to him for him to be happy because he deserves it. After everything she has been through, Nathan was there for her. He walked inside the Dark and Twisty world just to make sure she's not alone anymore.

And every time she felt incomplete, she felt guilty. He deserves her completely, she wants to be complete for him but didn't know how to because she didn't know what the missing piece is, which makes her guilty.

"Hey, you okay?" He asked when he heard her release a sigh in frustration. Slightly pulling himself away to face her. His heart pinch when he saw her eyes with tears threatening to fall while biting her lower lip which she does every time she's nervous, sad, confuse.

She smiled at him and rested her head back on his chest before speaking.

"I'm fine, just – uhm, tired. And I miss you" She bit her lower lip trying to prevent the tears that are threatening to come out.

"I miss you too and I love you" He replied while hugging her tighter and caressing her arms slightly with his fingers.

The tears suddenly escaped from her eyes, which she hated because she didn't even know why she felt pain in her heart on his words.

' _The worst kind of sad, is not being able to explain why'_

 **AN: Thank you for the reviews. I really appreciate it. I will try to update with longer chapters, thank you. :')**


	11. Chapter 11

"Yang" Christina said after answering her phone without looking the caller ID.

"Christina, I'm freaking out." Without looking at the caller ID Christina knows her person is on the other line.

Christina knows that Derek is on his way to New York Gen, they were informed that the head of neuro is going to be a guest attending for a case at New York Gen for weeks. Since Derek already knows that Meredith is at New York Gen, there will be no more problems when their friends knows where she is.

The hospital's hot topic was Meredith and Derek again.

"and?" Christina replied.

"I don't – I don't know what to do and I'm freaking out. I'm freaking the hell out but don't really know why. So yeah, I'll be in a surgery with him, and the Chief insisted, and I can't say no and I will be with him for a few weeks and I – I c-" Christina smirked knowing her best friend will react this way.

"Hold on" ' _Barbie, raise my bet to 200' "_ Meredith heard Christina shouted over the phone.

"And you're raising a pot again. What is that pot all about this time?"

"About you and McDreamy getting back together. I have to tell you, the pot is huge! Everyone has huge bet!" Christina muttered.

"Wait, what? It's been 3 years I've moved on. He moved on, he probably has a girlfriend or wife, or I don't know but my point is it's been 3 years and I've moved on and I'm with Nathan and I love Nathan. And I moved on! "Meredith rumbled.

"Are you convincing me or yourself?" Christina heard Mer sighed.

"I just don't know what to do or say when I see him. I'm not saying I want to see him, I – I don't want to see him! But the chief insisted which left me no choice to see him and talk to him and I don't know what to say, and I'm freaking out!"

"I thought you said you moved on?" Even if Meredith can't see her, she knows she rolled her eyes.

Christina smirked, knowing to herself that Meredith is freaking out not because she doesn't want to deal with the awkwardness between them but because she's scared, scared to admit she hasn't move on from Derek.

Christina knows everything behind the story of Meredith and Nathan. She is okay with Nathan and how Meredith is convinced she's truly happy with him. Christina is thankful because Nathan was there for Meredith, even before they dated. It took Nathan a year before they officially dated, which makes him a better man than Derek, but she knows to herself that even if Meredith believes she's happy with Nathan she is really not in love with him.

Before Meredith can reply, her pager goes off.

"I swear, you'll lose on your bet! Got to go, emergency" Meredith said before pressing the end call button.

"Oh, I wish I will" Christina smirked after the call end.

"Here you are!" Meredith was startled when she felt a pair of strong arms wrapped around her petite waist.

"Hey, I thought you are still in surgery." She replied after leaning in to kiss him, arms still wrapped around her.

"I was, but I can't let my very important patient eat a cold pizza for breakfast. You see, she's a walking stick – _ouch!"_ He exclaimed as he earned a death glare and a smack on his chest.

He overacted his ' _ouch'_ as he acted like he was stabbed on his chest earning a giggle from Meredith.

"How many times do I have to tell you, stop calling me a walking stick!" She said while faking she's pissed. She was turning around when Nathan tightened his embrace.

"Okay, I'm sorry. I just love teasing you." He muttered.

Meredith smiled and slowly shake her head in disbelief.

"Now that's the smile I love" Nathan said before leaning in to give her a quick but passionate kiss.

He pulled away and gazed at her smiling like a child. They turn around when they heard men walking towards them. Nathan felt Meredith's body stiff against him. He's sure that the doctor walking with the Chief and the head of neuro is the guest attending or Meredith's ex. He placed his hand on Meredith's waist and slightly caressing her which made her look to him, he gave her a warm smile to assure her and for Meredith to relax.

"Just the right person I am looking for" The Chief said as they stopped in front of Meredith and Nathan.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Riggs." The Chief greeted and smiled. "This is Dr. Derek Shepherd, head of neuro at Seattle Grace, he's a guest attending for a few weeks for the VIP case" The chief clearly stated.

"of course, you've known Dr. Grey, and this is Dr. Riggs 3rd year resident specializing cardiothoracic under Dr. Kyrie, our head of cardio."

Derek feels like his heart stopped when he saw _her._ He spotted her at the nurse's station, his heart beat rapidly like it will burst. He suddenly felt sadness, love, longing but over-all he really missed her so much. He just wants to run towards her and lock her in his embrace not ever letting go.

His heart stopped when he saw a man's arm wrapped around her waist. He saw her giggle, giggle that he always loves about her, her giggle that makes him complete, happy, joyful, safe and sound. Her lovely giggle that is because of another man – _pain._ He felt pain in his heart when another man made her giggle when it should've been him. That should've been him making her laugh, giggle, happy and loved, but because of his stupidity he lost _her._ 3 years have passed, but he still loves her. He will forever love her.

He tried his best to smile at Nathan and offered his hand for a handshake which Nathan accepted as he was being introduced.

"Dr. Grey, it's nice to see you again" Derek tried to pull himself together to greet the love of his life and smiled at her. He offered her hand for a hand shake, she accepted his hand. He caressed the back of her hand using his thumb to convince himself she was really there in front of her. He's so happy to feel her touch again – to feel her again, but his feeling quickly disappeared when she pulled away her hand and kept it inside her coat.

He can hear the Chief praising Meredith for being the best resident on her batch, but he can't really concentrate as he was just gazing at her. How he loves everything about her.

"Dr. Shepherd, we'll proceed to the patient's room now" Dr. Bennet pulled him away from his own world when he mentions the patient.

"Uhm. Yeah, sure" He turned around to follow the Chief and Dr. Bennet, but he can still hear Nathan saying bye to Meredith.

"It's okay. It will be okay. I'll come find you later okay? I love you" Derek heard him. Nathan planted a kiss on Meredith's lips before Meredith followed the 3 men.

Derek can tell the guy really love her, which made his heart stabbed with another knife. Pain is all he can feel in his heart. He thinks Nathan is a good guy, Meredith deserves to be with someone who can make her happy and loved and will not ever left her not like what he did.

He wants to fight for Meredith, but it really might be too late. _– Pain._

' _Silent tears hold the loudest pain'_


	12. Chapter 12

"Surgery is scheduled 6am tomorrow. Do you have any questions?" Derek gently asked the patient, after he was done explaining the diagnosis and the procedure for the operation. The patient shook her head. "I'll see you tomorrow then" Derek offered her a smile before the 3 doctors left the VIP room, leaving the Chief.

Meredith walked in a fast pace after getting out of the room, hoping Derek won't follow. She really doesn't know why she's feeling afraid to face him. She's afraid to talk to him and look at him. After she saw him, a lot was going through her mind, emotions running through her heart. She can't explain what those feelings are and why.

She was in the hallway when she felt someone grabbed her and pull her inside an on-call room.

He locked the door before leaning Meredith against the door. Derek was standing looking at Meredith with tears threatening to come out of his eyes.

She fought the urge to look at him but, failed. Meredith felt pain in her heart when she looked at his sad teary beautiful eyes. His eyes were full of sad, pain, angry, and longingness emotions. Tears, started to threaten her eyes too, she spoke hoping the tears will not come out.

"Dere – " She was cut off when Derek wrapped her arms around her, his head nuzzle on the crook of her neck.

"Please, mer. Please, please I miss you. Just hear me out please." Derek begged while he tightly hold her in his embrace. He didn't care if he sounded or looked desperate, he just wanted to held her in his embrace for the first time in 3 years - because given the circumstances this maybe the last.

He was expecting her to push him away but she didn't. Her tears betrayed her as they keep running down from her eyes as she automatically wrapped her arms around his neck pulling him closer to her. It was like her arms have their own minds.

She can feel her neck getting wet, from Derek's tears as he breathes her in.

Meredith felt a lot of emotions. She felt like she exhaled all of the emotions she suppressed for the past 3 years. She finally let out her suppressed emotions through her cries.

She felt everything around her collapsed as they hold each other. She suddenly forgot everything around her and only cared to the man he's holding in her arms. She suddenly felt alive, she suddenly felt like she was herself again. For the first time in 3 years she felt complete, she felt at home.

Derek slightly pulled away to rest his forehead against hers, tears still running down from their eyes. He gently cupped her face and brushed the tears away from her cheeks with his thumb.

"I miss you, Meredith. I miss you so fcking much. When you left, my world crushed down. I – I can't forgive myself for what I did – for hurting you. I know I – I deserve this pain but I can't let you go. I can't let you go … un – unless you tell me to" Derek cried out all the emotions he suppressed in his heart.

Meredith eyes is full of emotions but mostly she felt pain in every word he said. Her tears are still running down from her eyes. She can't think, her mind is full of memories and emotions to process.

She tried to push Derek away and tried to open the door to ran but Derek grabbed her arms and kept her in his embrace.

"Please – please, Meredith. Don't run from me again." Derek said while he was holding her tight in his arms. He can feel her fists slightly hitting his chest as she cried hard.

This is so hard the both of them, he knows she's with Nathan and they're probably happy, but he can't give up without putting a god damn fight. Not when he waited 3 years just to hold his world in his arms again.

"You – you left me, Derek" Meredith cried and weakly hit Derek's chest.

"I know, I'm sorry. And I regret that, I can't forgive myself too, but I can't let you go Meredith. I love you, I still love you. Please – don't run again, please" Derek begged while kissing her forehead.

She didn't say anything as they stayed in their position, neither of them wanting to pull away from each other's warmth.

He knows they were not totally over. He knows there is still a little chance for them, he can feel it and he'll hold on to it no matter how little the chance is.

Meredith, on the other hand, felt complete. It was like a large piece of her returned for her to be complete. She was lost in their own little world where only the both of them matters. After 3 years of convincing herself he already moved on from her, she suppressed any emotion that has anything to do with him and tried to live, but now she knows he still loves him too, she doesn't want to run and hide anymore, she's tired of running from her feelings.

Derek slightly pulled away to face her, but still holding her in his arms. He cupped her face as he looked at her beautiful green orbs, only to see sad and mixed emotions before he slowly leaned down to kiss her. His lips met hers as he kissed her passionately, letting her know how much he miss her and how much he loves her. Meredith didn't hesitate to kiss him back as she snaked her arms around her neck pulling him closer to him, to prove to her self it wasn't just a dream.

They slightly pulled away panting for air.

"I love you, Meredith" Derek muttered resting his forehead against her.

"I – I still love you too, Derek" she replied.

Derek leaned in to claim her lips again. The kiss was passionate, she gasped when Derek deepened the kiss asking for an opening to explore her mouth as she gladly let him, he involuntarily roams his hands on her body as she intertwined her hands with his curly hair. That moment she never cared about anything around them, she's with the love of his life and that's the only thing that mattered the most to her. She felt exhausted from all the hiding and running away from her own feelings and maybe just the perfect time to face her own feelings.

' _If you're truly meant for each other, life will find a way to make it happen'_


	13. Chapter 13

Derek gently plants a kiss on her bare shoulders as he snaked his arms around her tiny waist and pulling her closer to him to breathe her in. Meredith turned around her back to face him, she started to caress his cheeks with her fingers. They are lost in their own world as they gazed at each other.

They stayed in their position for a while until Meredith's phone rings. She reached for the phone that is in her coat on the floor.

Derek watched Meredith as she turned her phone to silent mode when she saw the caller ID - _Nathan_. She turned around and buried her face on his chest as he wrapped his arms around the petite body of the woman he loves. She just wanted to savor this moment, she just wanted to feel safe and loved a little longer, before returning back to reality.

He knows what happened earlier between the two of them doesn't resolve things, but now he knows they still love each other he will definitely not let go of her no matter what.

"Mer – "

"I'm sorry" She whispered as tears started to form in her eyes.

This isn't right – she thinks. She's with Nathan and he doesn't deserve this. He waited for her, he cared for her, he loves her, she cheated on him, she's thankful for him and she cared about him so much, she loves him but she's not _**in love**_ with him. She's _**in love**_ with Derek, even after 3 years, she's still in love with him but Nathan doesn't deserve this.

"Meredith, please just for once – stop thinking about others and just think about yourself. I made all the wrong decisions before, I wanted to do what's right and it cost me my world." As if Derek can read what's going on inside her head.

She pulls her self closer to him as her tears keeps on running down from her eyes.

"De – rek," She cried.

"Shhh, we'll face this together. I will just be here for you. No more running." He comforted. He doesn't really know what to do, but he knows that as long as they can face this together, they will get through it.

"No more running" she muttered.

"No more running" he repeated.

"We can get through this together, I promise. I love you" he muttered as he tightened his embrace.

"I love you, too" She replied as they seal it with a kiss.

"Thank you, doctor" the nurse at the nurses' station said after Meredith gave the patient's chart to her.

Meredith turned around and her heart beat at a fast pace when she saw Nathan is approaching her.

"Na-than, what are you doing here?" She asked.

"Hello to you too." Nathan retorted as he leaned in to greet her with a kiss but Meredith pulled away involuntarily.

Nathan furrowed his eyebrows. "Hey, you okay? You look a little pale" He asked as he stretched his arms to hold her in her shoulders but he felt her body tense.

"Uhm, ye – yeah. I – I'm fine. Tired" is all she can mutter.

"It's okay we can just go straight home so you can rest. Okay?" She just stared at him as he stepped a foot back scared, he might freak her out if he did any more actions.

Derek is standing behind Nathan, doesn't really know what to do but he knows Meredith needs him.

"Dr. Grey, Dr. Riggs" He greeted as Derek approached them. Meredith was shocked a little but her body relaxed as Derek offered her his McDreamy smile she always love. She met the gaze of Derek, smiling warmly at him as she was lost in his eyes again.

Nathan cleared his throat not really knowing what's going on right now.

"Dr. Shepherd" Nathan nodded when he looked at him.

"I just wanted to ask if you updated the status of our patient, Dr. Grey" Derek asked, offering her the chance to escape for a while because he knows she is still not ready to talk to Nathan.

Before Meredith can reply, Nathan butted in. "I do believe it's already her off, Dr. Shepherd" he muttered as he quickly looked at his watch.

"Uhm, I'm on 36-hour shift Nathan. You can go home first, sorry ….. I need to check the patient, I'll call you later okay?" Meredith reached for his hand and gave it a light squeeze before walking towards the elevator.

She wasn't really on a 36-hour shift, she's just on call for that night but she was not ready to talk to Nathan yet and she made a mental note to thank Derek later for giving her a little more time.

"Dr. Riggs"

"Dr. Shepherd"

The two doctors nodded before leaving the area.

Meredith was just done checking on the VIP Patient's chart as she turned around to leave her room. She gently closed the door and smiled as she saw Derek leaning against the wall across the patient's room.

"Hey" He offered her a warm smile.

"Hi" She weakly smiled as he reached for her hand and gently gave it a squeeze. He noticed the tiredness flashing on her beautiful eyes.

"Tired?" He slightly chuckle. "Come on. We still have a couple more hours before the surgery" He sneaked her in of his temporary office.

He motions her to lie on the couch as she pulled his arms for him to lie beside her. He wrapped one of his arms around her, caressing her arms with his thumb as she rests her head on his chest. He found her hand and intertwined it with his as it rests on his stomach.

They stayed in that position for a while, his lips not leaving her forehead while he caresses her arms to help her drift off to sleep.

"Derek? How are we going to go through this? I know I'll have to talk to Nathan, he deserves someone who can really make him happy and really love him. And after the surgery, you still have another week to clear the patient before you go back home." She blurted out.

He shifted their position so they are facing each other.

"Come home with me." He retorted.

"De – rek, I would love to. I was planning to go home, even before I knew you were coming here. I like it here but this isn't really my home. I – I know my home is in Seattle, where we met and fell in love with you, I know my home is with you, but I just can't go home with you, Derek. I still have a couple of months to finish my contract. I can't just demand the Chief to transfer me back to Seattle, they have different residency program. I'm not even sure if I can go back to Seattle Grace." She chatters.

He let out a chuckle, "How did you breathe with that" he said before leaning in to plant a gentle kiss on her lips.

"I love you, Meredith and I told you we are going to go through all of this **together**. 3 years have passed without any interaction and yet we still end up together. I've waited for you for 3 long years, waiting for a couple more months won't make a big difference. Missing you slowly killed me, but this time we will communicate and I'll come here from time to time whenever I can. I promise." He promised her as she looked at his eyes only to see sincerity in it.

"You're willing to do that?"

"I told you, I can't afford to lose my world again and I am more than willing to do anything in my power to prove that. I love you, Mer"

She smiled at him seeing his sincerity in his eyes and in every word, he said makes her trust him. She nodded and blurted out "I love you too, Derek. Thank you". He returned the smile before leaning in to capture her lips.

' _Have enough courage to trust love on more time'_


	14. Chapter 14

Derek entered the OR as soon as he was done scrubbing in. He met the gaze of the person he loves the most. They were lost on their own world for a little while before giving her the McDreamy smile and winking at her, before turning around to see his team.

"Good morning everyone! It's a wonderful day to save lives, let's have some fun" He exclaimed his usual good luck speech before looking up to nod at the Chief who is in the gallery with some of the head of offices, Dr. Bennet and Nathan seating on the other side of the gallery. He made his way towards the head of the patient and began operating.

For the first few hours, Meredith was beside Derek assisting and watching the procedure closely. Derek is constantly asking her questions which she impressively answered because even a senior resident or other attendings can't really answer the questions.

Derek let Meredith perform some of the procedures as he stayed closely beside her guiding her through the procedure. They stole a few glances to smile a reassurance at each other. The few people in the gallery was very impressed at how Meredith and Derek operated as if they were dancing gracefully to a music. They really make a perfect team in the OR, they trusted each other to do the critical operation gracefully which results to a flawless successful operation.

The two doctors are scrubbing out while the patient they just saved is moved by the surgical nurses towards the patient's ward.

"Very good work, Dr. Grey" He smiled at her, letting her know how proud he is at her.

"Thank you but I couldn't have done it without you, Dr. Shepherd." She replied with a smile while gazing at each other.

They both left the OR and made their way towards the waiting room where the Chief is. Derek informed the family about the successful procedure. "The operation gone smoothly, it shouldn't have gone better but we still need to observe her for a couple of days before she's cleared." Derek smiled at the family. They gratefully thanked the doctors in return before the two made their way out of the room to give the family a moment.

Derek stopped for a moment as they reached the hallway. He gently pulled her to enclose her in his embrace as she snaked her arms around his waist, he planted a kiss on her forehead as she rested her chin on his shoulders grinning widely at the high from the operation.

"You're amazing in there, Mer. I'm proud of you" He muttered.

"Thank you, you're amazing too. I couldn't have done it without you." She giggled. He chuckled slightly at her giggle. He missed her giggle so much, hearing her giggle again sent a shiver in his spine.

They pulled away but their hands are still laced together as they gaze at each other for a while before a groan of her stomach interrupted them. "Come on, let's feed that stomach of yours" he laughed as she let out a giggle before rolling her eyes playfully before pulling her towards the cafeteria. They didn't notice that Nathan was watching them.

Derek was doing his post-op notes on his patient when his phone rang. "Hey!" He grinned when he pressed the answer button.

"Hey Shep! How's everything?" Mark asked.

"Everything's good. The patient survived" He muttered as he can't remove the grin on his face thinking of Meredith.

"I could tell! You're annoyingly using the happy tone which I haven't heard in 3 years." Derek let out a laugh at his best friend's statement.

"So, how's my favorite dirty mistress?" He asked over the phone.

"Shut up, mark! And stop calling her that"

"Ooh so you're together again! Congrats man! After 3 years finally, you got laid" Before he can tell him to shut the fck up, a loud pager goes off over the phone. "See you at moms for thanksgiving and bring my vice president of mistresses club with you so I can tell her she sucked at her job, got to go!" He heard before the end call beeps.

He just shook his head in disbelief, what can you expect from Mark Sloan – nothing.

He smiled at the fact that hopefully Meredith will be ready to meet his family over thanks giving before he comes back to Seattle.


	15. Chapter 15

Meredith was staring blankly at the television while she is sitting down on the couch. She didn't even notice someone entered the apartment.

"Mer, hello earth to Meredith?" a woman is trying to snap Meredith off of her own world.

"Lexie! You're here? I didn't even hear you entered. What are you doing here?!" Meredith rambled questions at her sister as she was shocked at her sudden appearance.

"Uh, I live here?" Lexie sarcastically replied slightly giggling at her sister.

"I know. I'm sorry, I crashed at your place. I just thought you said you we're going to your father's house after your exam" Meredith unknowingly stated.

"You know I like it when you're here, Mer. Anyways, I thought I could visit you first. I wanted you to help me with something, but it seems you are the one who is in need of help. So, let's do the usual, I'll take the ice creams and you go call for pizza!" Lexie demanded before picking up her thinks and sprinting to settle them in her room before proceeding to the kitchen.

Meredith smiled as she took her phone to order pizza. She met her sister 3 years ago, she was a friend of Nathan's brother. Their relationship didn't start smoothly but Lexie was so determined to know her big sister. When Lexie learned that they were both working at the same hospital, Lexie as an intern and Meredith as a 2nd year resident, she did everything to get to know and be close to her sister.

"So? What's going on between you and Nathan" Lexie blurted while scooting her ice cream as soon as she sat beside her sister. This was their favorite hangout, talking or watching movies while bloating themselves with pizza and ice creams while dressed in flannel pajamas and a shirt.

"Nothing, I just want to hang out with you" She lied also scooting her favorite strawberry ice cream.

"Uhuh. You didn't even know I was going to be here. You have your own apartment, Nathan isn't living in with you but you know he is waiting for you there that's why you're here so spill the beans. What's going on between the two of you" Meredith sighed in defeat as she slightly shakes her head in disbelief at how her sister knows her well.

"Derek is here" She blurted which made Lexie's eyes widen in surprise.

"as in Seattle's Derek Shepherd?" Meredith just nods. Lexie was surprised because she didn't talk about Derek to her and Nathan. They just know that Derek Shepherd is her ex-boyfriend back in Seattle that's it. But through the years, just by looking at Meredith, she knows Derek Shepherd isn't just an _ex-boyfriend._ She can feel that he is something more than anex-boyfriend.

Meredith opens up everything to Lexie but every time she asks about Derek, she can't miss the pain that can be seen in her eyes while she tries her very best to change the topic. There are even times when Lexie catches Meredith crying in front of her old cellphone while listening to a voice mail. Every time she looks at her sister, she can't miss the fact that maybe her sister is still in love with Derek Shepherd.

Lexie studied Meredith for a moment making sure what she's thinking about the situation is right, before she stated, "Ah, you finally realized you're still _**in love**_ with him".

Meredith looked at her sister confusingly before sighing in defeat. Her sister really knows her well.

Meredith told her sister everything that happened between Derek and her from the beginning up to now.

"I don't want to run or hide anymore but I can't hurt Nathan. Nathan doesn't deserve this, Lexie. I can't hurt him when all he did is to love me" Meredith said tears running down from her eyes as she drank another shot of tequila while Lexie comforted her.

"Mer, don't you think it's better? You said it yourself, Nathan deserves to be really loved and happy. You all deserve it, really. This will really hurt him but this is also the only way to let him be really happy with someone who can really love him.

Stop thinking about others and think of yourself first, Mer.

You can't really avoid not hurting someone Mer, but for once you can all be truly happy, right? Maybe not at the same time, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel, Mer."

"You know I sometimes wonder who's older between us" Meredith chuckled to light up the mood, but she now knows that her sister's right. They laughed as they finished their ice creams.

Meredith can feel her rapid heart beat as she makes her way towards the porch of her apartment. She tightened her grip at her umbrella as the rain falls freely tonight.

She stopped for a moment as she spotted him seating on the stairs, watching the rain while drinking a beer in a can, before making her way to seat beside him.

"Hey" He greeted.

She released a big sigh. "Hi" she sadly smiled. The sound of the rain consumed the silence, for a moment.

"You know, I love your smile. There's something in your smile that always takes my breath away, and I love it. But for the past few days, I never thought it's possible for you to smile like that. I never thought it's possible to fall in love again with you just by seeing you smile like that. The most perfect smile that makes you so perfect. – I just wish I was the one who can make you smile like that." The tears that built up in her eyes fall down in every word he said.

"Na – than, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry. You deserve to be really happy. You're a great guy, you're a wonderful guy, and you may even be the better guy but -"

"but he's the one. He is still the one"

"I wish he wasn't. I'm sorry" Meredith stated in between sobs.

"I love to see that perfect smile on you, even if I'm not the reason behind it. I just want you to be really happy, Meredith and at least I know with him, you are." Tears running down from his eyes but still trying his best to warmly smile at her as he reaches to cup her face and wipe the tears from her face with his thumb.

Before she can reply, he stands up and face her. "I'll be leaving tomorrow, I'll be joining the army as a surgeon, so I guess this is good bye. Make sure that next time I see you I won't be calling you walking stick!" He blurted trying to lift up the mood as he leaned in to kiss her in her forehead before slowly walking backwards towards his car.

"Take care of yourself. Bye, Meredith"

"Thank you. Bye Nathan" She mouthed while brushing her tears away.

' _At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life'_


End file.
